Week 6: December 1 – December 7
Original Weight: 197.6
Week 6 Starting Weight: 191.4 lbs
Current Weight: 191.8 lbs
Weekly Weight Loss/Gain: +.4 lbs
Total weight Loss: –5.8 lbs
Current Goal: 183.7 lbs
I gained again this week. Unlike last week though, I don’t feel entirely comfortable with it. And honestly? It’s probably less about the number increase and more about my lack of self-control when it comes to food. Specifically when that food becomes tied to my emotions.
Growing up we were poor. Mom raised 3 children on a waitress’ salary which is hard enough but then throw in the fact that she was dealing with her own demons (alcoholism and a smoker), we just did not have the disposable income in our life to have say, sodas on hand to drink whenever we wanted. Those were special moments and trust me, they were never name brand. Even going to McDonald’s was a luxury for us.
I am not ashamed of my childhood. My mother did the best she could with what she had. I always knew I was loved but I also was very aware of our social status in comparison with my friends/classmates. Especially when I hit middle school and things like name-brand shoes were popular and shopping at Goodwill was not.
When I started making my own money and could essentially afford a $6 meal deal from Sonic – I did (and I did it a lot). It somehow (and still does on occasion) makes me feel like I’ve stepped into a higher social class. It feels good knowing I can provide my daughter with more than what I had growing up.
I know it sounds silly but having the option/the ability to eat whatever the hell I want to reminds me of everything I didn’t have growing up and how much I do have now in comparison. It’s a positive reinforcement that I’m on the right track – at least in the sense of providing for my family.
When I start to limit that or recognize that I’m limiting it (no matter that it’s because I want to a better version of myself) it’s like my brain is all “FUCK THAT. You have worked hard, you deserve to eat that 1500 calorie burger.” And I listen. Because it makes sense to me.
When I type it out it sounds ridiculous. I’m also a people pleaser and sometimes that even makes it hard for me to tell myself no, even when I know I won’t like the future outcome.
I hope this doesn’t come off as one big excuse. It’s not. I know it’s my fault that I chose to binge eat that cookie dough, I could have walked away but I didn’t. There’s a consequence to every action and apparently this week it was a gain. All I can do is try to be better this week.
Last week goals:
*Prepare lunches/snacks for the weekdays – did it! Didn’t hit the vending machine once.
*Track my food on Saturday & Sunday – did it! It didn’t seem to help since I was being all emotional about shit but hey, it’s a start.
Weekly Personal Goal:
*Focus on my goal every time I feel myself falling down the rabbit hole of Oreos.
5 comments:
This actually makes sense. These days kids have no idea what it's like not to have the newest and best of everything. It's a damn shame if you ask me!
That doesn't sound silly at all!
To be honest, growing up, I never felt pretty. I learned that if I dressed well, people were more likely to overlook my frizzy hair or lack of make up. Now, I almost routinely blow my budget (I still have my savings and everything. Just my "fun money" budget" gets blown) because I feel the NEED to buy clothes. My self esteem relied on it for so long, I just can't seem to stop now.
So while totally different, I can completely understand your rational. When you find that thing that makes you feel like you've "made it" (be it food or clothes or whatever), it's hard to give it up.
You've got this though! We all have bad weeks. Just learn from this week and do better next week. :)
Here's the thing. You gained. And we don't love gains, but they happened. You tracked over the weekend - and that's the hardest time for me to track! So you said that it didn't help, but you could have gained even more if you hadn't tracked over the weekend.
You're still doing great. Own it. ;)
I don't think that sounds silly. I can't necessarily relate, but I get it. It's awesome you can provide more for yourself than you may have had growing up. It's a good reminder that we all have our own history that feeds into who we are now, and it's good to be aware of that.
It's not silly to think like this at ALL!! I revert back to a lot of things when I get emotional. I am VERY MUCH an emotional eater, even now when I'm trying to be healthy. And you know what? Whenever I feel like I'm limiting myself or when I am just craving a really awesome burger and fries, sometimes I let myself have it because I think to myself "WHO IS JUDGING ME?!?! I'm not in a competition to see how much weight I can lose, or how healthy I can eat. One meal like this is NOT going to hurt me, and WHO REALLY CARES?!". Basically, all of us who are trying to get healthy and fit and eat better are doing this for no one but ourselves. WE made the decision to try and get healthy, so WE should be the only ones judging ourselves :)
Also, I think it's fantastic that you can provide for Lillie better than you had growing up! I wasn't necessarily that poor, but my dad is a realtor and he worked on commission for years as I grew up....so there were several years that were tight and I didn't even know it because my parents really tried to make it as good as it could be for us (and we had no idea!!). However, I do find myself spending a little too much money sometimes and splurging on things just because I have the ability to do that now. My bank account doesn't always like that buuuuut oh well, lol.
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