To My Sister

Hi Little Sister.
So, there's this thing. Well, it's no longer a thing, more of a human. Actually, it's a baby. A girl. Named Ayana Rose and she's yours. She's beautiful. And precious. And she's done something no one else has ever done for you..
She's made you a mom.
And it's wonderful. Except for when it's not. And when those times come along, and they surely will, it will be okay because I know you. And you are caring, and kind, and so considerate of other people that it's within reasoning to often tell you to worry about yourself some because you simply.don't. And that's one of the reasons Ayana is so very blessed to have you as a mother.
You will make her laugh. It will make you cry from joy the first time it happens.And the second time, and the third time, and the...
You will make her cry. And you'll turn your head away with a smile on your face because you know she's being ridiculous that she doesn't want to eat this green bean.
You will make her happy. And you'll see it in her eyes when she realizes that if she puts both her hands together at the right time, it makes a noise and oh my gawd look mom and dad can do it too!
You will clap for hours because of this and won't even realize it.
You will literally feel as if your heart is tearing in half when she gets hurt, and it will happen more and more the older she gets. But so will the laughs. And the smiles.
And it will all balance out at the end of the day because you made her with your love, with your hopes, with your dreams.
You made a baby, sister.
And she is miraculous.
Try to remember that in the middle of the night when she's screaming for no apparent reason and you've tried everything to no avail.
There will be moments when you miss who you were before, but when that happens - stop. breathe. and dream of your future. The hugs, the kisses, the first days of schools, the scraped knees, the first bike ride, swings, ice cream, crushes, hair disasters, biggie mics, dancing...Those things are what you're growing into and it's something you can be so proud of. You don't have to forget who you were before, because it's that person who said Yes. Who said Yes to being a mom before she even knew what that truly meant and now you're there.
You've made a little person who will look for your eyes when she's trying to something new. Who will reach for you when she's upset. Who will know she is loved simply by your presence.
It's awe-inspiring. It truly is.
So, little sister, don't forget to carry your camera everywhere you go. Don't forget to ask people for help when you need it, there's no shame in that.
But most importantly, don't forget to send me all the damn pictures you can manage.
Love,
Big Sister

Forgive me, child

Dearest Lillie,
I am sorry.
I am so very sorry.
You see, I had plans from the day I knew you were to be mine that this would happen. I felt giddy at the thought of it. I imagined how you would look, how you would frolic, how we would laugh and point at all the options you now have. Birthdays, Christmas, Dances, Proms, and eventually your Wedding Day.
And I'm sure this will happen as you grow without a second thought, without even the slightest bit of remembrance as to what happened to you on October 3rd, 2011.
But I will always remember. Always.
As I put the truck into park, my stomach started weaving in and out of my throat, 
Was I really going to do this? Maybe I could avoid it for yet another time? What other excuse could I use? No, I want to do it. I want to do it. It'll be fine. It WILL BE FINE.
I  pulled the key from the ignition, slowly opened the truck door open and stepped out. I stopped for a moment, arguing with myself for just one more moment before I quickly opened the door revealing your smiling face strapped cautiously into your carseat.
You looked so happy. And yet, I knew this would not remain, I could feel the guilt already pulling it's way to the front of my mind.
We walked inside the store. The cashier was busy.
I could just walk back out. Yes, that's what I'll do. I'll just pretend like I came in looking for something and then I didn't find it. No biggie. 
As I tried to nonchalantly travel back to the door, it happened
"Is there something I could help you with?"
and I thought, it's now or never. Take the plunge. Don't be a chicken. You can do it.
And so I did.
Yes, I was wondering if I could get my daughter's ears pierced or if I had to make an appointment?
As I was saying these words the internal struggle pulsing through my body was as strong as ever, Please let her say appointment. Please let her say appointment. Please let her say appointment.
"Nope, we can do it right now."
My gut dropped. You smiled. I grimaced. The cashier walked to the stool, handed me a form to fill out and let me choose earrings for you.
I tried to pretend this was fun. I tried to get you to point to what you wanted. I tried laughing when you waved at the ladies walking outside the window. It was all fake. Because I knew that in about 5 minutes that beautiful, one-toothed smile, would be snatched away with no understanding at all.
And more than that I knew it would be my fault.
We sat in that chair, with a dot on each ear and a needle gun precariously pointed at your ear.

 It was practically over with before it even began.
And yet the tears, the snot (oh, sweet baby Jesus, the snot!) would not end. I saw the looks on the people passing by. They felt the pain too. That's how palpable it was. I tried to hug you. I tried to kiss you. I tried to blow on your belly to make you laugh.
Nothing worked. Nothing.
I could feel it coming. Tears. No, not yours, mine.
I had done this. I had done this to my daughter. I had purposefully hurt her. What parent does that?
And then slowly all the tears stopped coming, the whimpers started to dwindle and we found out that you do indeed like cherry-flavored suckers.
I felt better. I would even venture to say you felt better and by that evening it was as if nothing happened. I cleaned your newly pierced ears and you didn't even flinch. You just ate your animal cracker with the same amount of energy (ridiculously high) you always do.
And now, it's been a few days and I love your earrings. I knew that I would, but I never knew I could feel so conflicted.

Love,
Mom aka. the Worst Mom Ever for at least 10 minutes every day.

P.S.How the hell am I going to make it through your teenage years? Please be good. Please be good. PLEASE be good. Because, if I can barely handle what I do to you, how do you expect me to handle what you do to you? Just remember that. Mom is fragile. And has no problem pulling the guilt card, I carried you for 10 months...

 

15 Day Challenge, Day 15

Day 15: What were your highs and lows of this past month?

Highs
-Our family and friends came together in celebration for my daughter's baptism 

-After more than her fair share of hardship, my dear friend Brandi finally had her beautiful baby girl, Bree. Probably going to be Lillie's future partner in crime with all the pink and camouflage she's been blessed with

-Going with Emilie to see Lion King 3-D and pretending not to cry at all the sad stuff and then talking about how cool it will be to share our favorite movies with our kids one day. I love my best friend.

-Jenna and Brenton invited us to share in their son, Evan's, first birthday. We had a wonderful time, it's amazing to think he's already 1 year old, and to think Lillie is just about 2 months behind him. I truly hope they grow up to be great friends.

-my daughter's first tooth

-Dove season

-Visiting with the family when my Aunt Ruthie and Uncle Harry came to visit

-Losing 10 lbs (more on this in a later post!)

-buying a cricut for $79

Lows

-realizing I won't be able to meet my beautiful niece until next year

-a great friend and a beautiful person lost her job for one helluva bullshit reason

-devil things happening to someone who only deserves the one thing they want more than anything and it's yet to happen. this makes me want to punch things over and over again

 

Overall, not too shabby of a month.
How was yours?