One of the things I appreciate the most about the relationship I have with my husband is our honesty. That we have the ability (for the most part) to have conversations with each other under the pretense that we are speaking the truth from our heart, not to hurt, but to help. These conversations are never planned, they just sneak in. Sometimes it’s 3 hours longs, others as short as 5 minutes. Instead of being mad about something he (or I) may have said, we think about it, take it in and then improve in whatever area it is we’re referring too.
For example, a few years ago before I had Lillie, I was whining about my weight for the umpteenth time. I had already cried the day before because nothing fit me right and we had plans to go out. Alfred turned to me and said, “I love you. All of you. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. So, please for the love of God, shut up. If you don’t like how you look, do something about it. I’m tired of hearing it. Your looks do not affect how I love you.”
After my initial reaction of “THIS MOTHER.BEEPER IS SO INSENSITIVE” I took a step back (and fine, I cried) and thought, he’s right. When it comes down to it, he’s right. There’s no point in my talking shit about myself to the man I love. Why point out what I see as flaws to him? It doesn’t do anything but bring his attention to whatever I think is my problem areas. We talked a little longer after that. It hurt to hear him say that but I knew it wasn’t coming from a place of hate. He just wanted me to be happy. Once I came to that conclusion, I stopped whining and started doing. Result: I lost 30 lbs.
Another example, he was complaining about something for (again) the umpteenth time. He usually (while complaining) will realize he is doing just that about 1/2 way through the conversation. Mostly I just listen. It helps whenever you can talk things out loud, but his judgment was clouded so I said, “It sounds like to me, you’re bitching over nothing. It’s your job. Shit or get off the pot.” His reaction? He agreed and he worked on what the problem was. Result: Happier.
We had another one of those moments show up this past weekend. Lillie was fast asleep and we were sitting outside enjoying the cool Texas air. We had a lull in the conversation, so it was quiet. Peaceful. And then out of the blue he said, “You’ve been acting really grumpy lately. Is it because you haven’t been working out? I feel like it’s that girls fault.”
Back-story: A couple weekends ago, we were at Wal-Mart, we had just been on the boat and were looking to grab something to throw on the grill when we got home. I was wearing my bikini top with a tank top (it was fitted) over it and some boo-tay shorts to cover my bottoms. I’m not even close to a size 2 but didn’t care, I mean, we had just come off the boat clearly. Lillie had a little cover-up over her swimsuit and swim-shoes on as I was carrying her into the store. She was way exhausted. Alfred & Justin had already booked it in to the store (we were splitting up to get in and out as quick as we could).
I was walking in and I saw a little family that looked much like ours walking out (little girl included). The wife/girlfriend looked me up & down as she walked past me and said (not so quietly) to her boyfriend/husband, “Please tell me I don’t look like that.”
I thought, surely, SURELY, she’s talking about someone else. I must have just jumped in at the wrong part of the conversation or something. No one is that damn rude to a complete stranger. But then, I turned around to look at them and I caught eyes with the guy who had turned around to look at me and he uttered with disgust, “No way, baby.” He turned back to his wife, put his arm around her shoulders and squeezed her into him.
I, on the other hand, squeezed Lillie a little closer and held the tears at bay.
That moment was when I started losing motivation. I hadn’t realized it until Alfred had pointed it out. I have been working so hard for the past year and a half without a care of what other people thought of me. I mean, I could run further (not really faster) than most people I associated with on a daily basis. I’m 15 lbs lighter and I have a family who supports & loves me. I have all of you that read the stuff I post on her. I am surrounded by positivity.
But it only took 20 seconds to tear that all down – and by a complete stranger. She didn’t know me or how hard I’ve worked for the past year. Where I came from. What I’ve been through.
What she did know? That I had a slight muffin top, I wasn’t wearing any make up and my hair was a giant ass frizz ball. She knew my appearance and she judged me for that.
I’ve been pulling myself out of this slump for the past week, thanks to my husband, but wanted to write about it.
To write about it as a reminder to keep your damn mouth shut if you don’t have anything nice to say. We don’t know the struggles people have been through to get to where they are, we don’t know what kind of day they’re having or if we’re about to ruin it, we.don’t.know. I just want you to think about that the next time you make an off-hand comment on someone’s appearance. Or even hear someone say something like that. Don’t encourage it.
Just be nice.
For the love of all things holy it’s not hard.