Pregnancy Panties

if you've been pregnant

then somewhere between the 2nd and
3rd trimesters of your pregnancy
you've engaged in the 

"holy shit, my boyshort panties have
somehow turned into thongs" dilemna.
{and no, not the sexy kind}

to my friends who may be reading this

and don't have kids

don't laugh, this is serious

it really happens.

you know how Sir Mix-A-Lot says

Baby, got back?

yeah, well, at this point in your pregnancy
you ain't got back

you just straight up got ass...everywhere

and it's hungry

for your panties.

to resolve the situation is easy:

go buy you some of the biggest, most comfortable panties you can find

and continue being awesome at growing a baby in your belly.

the problem with these panties

is they don't know how to leave.

they're predators

and your pretty panties

their prey.
before you know it, it's a year later
and your panty drawer is filled with giant panties
that are big enough to be mistaken for a couch throw
and all of those glorious, beautiful panties that you once owned
are nowhere to be found
and you're standing there looking into the mirror
laughing, realizing it looks like you're wearing your own diaper
because you've simply forgotten in the midst of
dirty diapers, dirty laundry, dirty dishes
that there's not just a mom there
there's a wife,
and no husband deserves to come home to a woman
laughing in the mirror in nothing but some panties
that are as big as a small house
{or medium size house, whatever}
saying
ohmygawd, why have you not told me it looks like
i'm confusing myself with a rapper who's got a crap in his pants?

{true.story.}
so, let's band together and stop the ridiculosity
of Pregnancy Panties.

unless, of course, you're pregnant
or just had a baby
or doing laundry
or just really tired
or...
okay, fine, we don't have to get rid of them completely
because just like sweatpants
there's nothing like comfort
after a day of beauty
like slipping into something that makes you say
"ahhh, now that's what i'm talking about"