Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Mommyhood : Baby Body

I enjoy looking good. I like the way it makes me feel to know that I'm put-together. I love the way new clothes, shoes and make-up can make me feel. I admit that I'm slightly vain.

And while all this is true, 90% of the I'm still very much a jeans and t-shirt girl. I have no problem rolling up my sleeves to get a little dirty, or walking out of the house in a ponytail with no make-up.(Okay, mascara is my one thing I do make sure I have on, it's critical to my self-esteem. Don't judge me.) So, because of this I didn't think the after effects of what my body was going to look like from having Lillie were going to affect me to the extent that they have.

I gained weight. I gained a lot of weight. The last two months I just gave in to my wants. I was miserable and everything was swollen and I learned how to justify it.

I deserve to eat what I want, I mean, I'm the one carrying this hell child who refuses to go lower than my ribs. Right? Sure. Bring on the oreos, bitches.

Not to mention, you could have bathed a whale with all the water I had stored in me.

And the feeling of euphoria and power - yes, power - I felt that first month after having Lillie was amazing. I was so proud of how I looked. I felt invincible. I pushed a freaking baby out of my vagina, for pete's sake, nothing could stop me. Stretch marks, muffin tops - you name it - I owned that shit.

And then, reality started coming back to me. I have to go back to work in a couple weeks! I'm going to have to go into public! Sweet baby Jesus do I have anything that still fits me! Sure, societal image probably played a role in how I felt; but, regardless, of the reasoning the fact was that I was still ashamed that I wasn't back into my normal jeans. And despite all the great compliments and awesome support from my close friends and family, I still felt disgusting.

"It takes 9 months to put it on, it'll take that long to take it off" - screw you, talk to the 4 other people I know who dropped all their weight in 2 months.

"Your child doesn't care what you look like" - screw you, a lot of people don't care what I look like but I do and how I feel is what's affecting me right now.

I wasn't supposed to be this person, I was supposed to be strong and proud of what my body looks like. I wasn't this girl in my heart, so why was I in my head.

And then, I came across this posting and I cried.


I cried because this woman, this woman was so proud and brave for putting those images out there. And it truly lessened the damage I felt had happened to my own self-worth and for that I think I'll be forever grateful to this complete stranger.

I am, of course, in the midst of transforming myself physically. Working out, eating better and playing with Lillie every chance I get (pushing a stroller looks easy, but tell that to my arms!) - but this post it really helped me emotionally and I felt obligated to share. Because I don't think enough women out there feel comfortable enough with the world, with themselves, to be completely honest when it comes to pregnancy and their kids. And that's something I promised myself I would be when Alfred and I decided to start a family.  And something I try to continually do with this blog.

I hope that if you're reading this and you've ever been down on yourself, on your body, because of pregnancy or because of society's norm that this post helps.

Because you, my friend, are amazing. And we simply don't tell each other that enough.

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