Trying To Conceive

When you decide to have a baby, it is one of the most frighteningly euphoric feelings you will have. Images of children, no - not any children, your children walking for the first time, saying mom for the first time, the first day of school, the last day of school, a first boyfriend or girlfriend, a first kiss, heartbreaks, school dances, hugs, kisses - a life is born right then.

A life you want to be a part of. And to think it's all possible with this tiny thought, this seemingly small decision to have a baby. It sounds amazing, doesn't it?

Until it's not. Until that pregnancy test says negative time after time. Until friend after friend seem to becoming pregnant at the drop of a pin. Until you can't stand to even look at a thermometer and a temperature chart anymore without getting angry. Until you get jealous at every pregnant person you see walking down the street.

And then the worry sets in. Is there something wrong with me? Will I ever be able to have a kid? Will I disappoint my spouse? My family? My friends? Myself? What if it's not me? Will I be okay with that?

And then the anger. What the hell have I done that's so wrong that I can't be a parent?! What the hell do you mean a mother of 4 just drowned her kids and I can't even have ONE?!

I can't pretend to know what it feels like to go beyond 5 months of actively wanting a baby. But knowing all that I felt during that short amount of time, I can only imagine what it feels like to go months longer, years longer to failed attempt after failed attempt.

And not to mention all the same things you hear throughout -
*it's God's will
*it will happen when it happens
*just keep trying
*well it happened for me on the first try/I didn't have to try at all


And that's not even tipping the scales at the crap people will throw at you to try and make you feel better. When the fact is the only  thing that will provide any relief is seeing that damn positive sign.

But even with all that said I still I want to tell you what I believe with every breath in my body and every fiber of love I have for my daughter Lillie -

You WILL have a baby. You WILL.
Whether you have a baby by 'normal' standards or if you have to look into something as awesome as adoption or fertility treatments, whatever the case is. It WILL happen.
The fact is that God just hasn't found the perfect combination of awesomeness for your beautiful baby. There's so much good out there, so much love, so much beauty - He's having a hard time figuring out how to put all that into such a tiny, beautiful body for you.
But He's working on it. I know He is. Because you deserve it.
You have so much to give, He just wants to make sure He can give you a baby that will know how to give it all back to you in the way that you need.

I was lucky enough to have wonderful people in my life who did nothing but listen to me cry/whine and silently hate all things pregnant and didn't judge me for doing so.

And because of that I hope that in whatever way you find these words - if they apply to you, to your best friend, to your sister, to your brother, to anyone you may know - that they help in some way. Because I'll be forever grateful to those people that helped me.

Life's A Beach

This past weekend Alfred and I celebrated our 6 year anniversary in true Texas style, by heading down to Galveston for the weekend! We didn't want to head to the beach for the first time without our daughter, so we drug her along. Literally.

 

 

Dad tried to play tough, but he couldn't deny how awesome it was to see our baby girl look out into the ocean for the first time..

 

We had a great time  finding shells..and putting them in our mouth as quickly as we could grab them.

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 And then playing in the waves and trying to figure out where in the world all the water was coming from.

 

Of course hats are a must in this heat, and my two loves had the best ones on the beach.

 

 

Lillie definitely let us know about the sand once she found it on her toes.

She had a blast, but I think we had even more fun watching her experience it for the first time. She may not remember it, but I will - and I wouldn't replace this memory for anything in the world. 

We'd like to throw a huge thank you out to my Aunt Shannon, Uncle Cliff, Maddie and Abi who let us crash at their house Friday night and then offered to keep Lillie Saturday night so we could celebrate our anniversary in style.

We rode Segways, which were so awesome we nearly bought one.

We had us a Coronarita Margarita, something I probably should only ever have one of in the future. Any more than that, and well, let's just not go there.

We hung out in the swim-up pool bar for something like 5 hours making new friends and pulling the anniversary card for free drinks (don't judge me!) and before our road trip home, we divulged in a couple's massage. 

All in all, a pretty okay weekend. A pretty okay weekend, indeed.
Here's to another 6 years and then some!

Saturday Night Mystery

Since having Lillie I don't often enjoy more than perhaps 1 or 2 adult-themed beverages. Mostly, because she's with me, and  I just don't deem it necessary to drink much around her. She makes me so happy, why would I need to feign that feeling with something like alcohol.

However, when she's not with me and I want to pretend like I'm 20 again and I've just finished painting the kitchen for the second time in a week (post to come later) - a few beers is quite the mood enhancer. Which is how I decided to roll last Saturday.

After finishing up the kitchen, which turned out fantastic, we decided to spend some time with our dear friend who is leaving us for this thing called 'work'.Ridiculous, I say. Who moves to Wyoming? I mean, who?

Anyhow, our time well-spent included some refreshing beverages and shooting skeet. I know guns and beer don't go well together, but let's be honest - this is Texas. Beer is like Ranch Dressing or Ketchup - it goes with everything.* And to be fair, the drinking was actually after the fact - seeing as we didn't want to miss any of those fancy orange clay targets flying around.

So, as our night festivities came winding down and we plopped onto our incredibly comfortable couch, I vehemently decided that it was time for pizza. I happily flew to the oven (in my newly painted kitchen) and went to pre-heat the oven.

From this point onward, I have no recollection of what really happened. Only the clues of what was leftover when I awoke in the morning.

Clue #1 - I am awake. In the living room. On the recliner.
Clue #2 - My hair is wet and clean, so are my armpits. Phew.
Clue #3 - A nearly empty bottle of Boone's Farm (another staple in the Texas lifestyle, I might add) is on the end table next to me.
Clue #4 - Xbox light is on and controller is haphazardly thrown in the corner of the couch.
Clue #5 - Upon turning the television on, I see Harry Potter Legos on the screen.
Clue #6 - Empty pizza box on counter.
Clue #7 - Upside down, nearly empty Ranch bottle next to pizza box.
Clue #8 - Opened box of Ziploc Bags next to Ranch Dressing.
Clue #9 - Cookie dough residue on the floor by the refrigerator. Note to self: Cookie dough squishing between the toes, not so awesome.

So, based on these clues this is what I gathered - I took a shower at some point, which included washing my hair and my armpits. At least in an intoxicated state I can recognize that hygiene is very important. Bonus point for me.

I slept in the living room, so my final thought for the night probably went something like this "Bed to far away. Can't make it. Must sleep now. Recliner so very comfortable." Makes sense to me.

Boone's Farm I didn't even know you were living in my refrigerator at this time. You sneaky devil you. You must have somehow convinced me to hang out while waiting on the pizza.

Harry Potter Legos coupled with the Xbox controller, I must have went on a He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named (aka Lord Voldemort) killing spree. This is fairly common even when sober, as I like punching little Lego men and watching them fly across the screen. It's the little things in life, you know.

I did, indeed, eat the pizza - with Ranch - and then proceeded to put the remaining pieces in the refrigerator for later yummy consumption. Can't be mad at that situation. Win for me.

Now, this part is where it gets interesting - I have lost the cookie dough.

That's right, it is gone. Now, you would think that maybe I ate it all - well, I was not okay with this scenario seeing as it was a new package, and I'm fairly certain a lot of bathroom time would have played out with that case. Alfred could do nothing but laugh at me, although he was fairly sad since he was really interested in some cookies at this point.

I looked through the refrigerator at least 3 times. I did the same with the freezer, even our deep freeze outside. I tried to retrace my steps, but well, by this point you know that I had no clue as to what steps I even took. So, I did what any sane person would do - I looked through all our cabinets - in the kitchen AND in the bathroom. Since, earlier I had deduced that I took a shower, I thought this was feasible. But to no avail, we were cookie doughless.
Hours passed.

Lillie came home. We played, we laughed - however, there was no cookies in this young girls life. Only crumbs.

That evening, as I was picking up, I went into our guest room to grab some scrapbook materials and low and behold - the cookie dough! Encased in a Ziploc bag (I must have double timed that with the pizza).

So, let it be said - Nancy Drew - you ain't got crap on Tamara Lehmann: Saturday Night Mysteries.

*Okay, there's a few exceptions - mostly drinking and driving. That is in no way okay.