Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Trying To Conceive

When you decide to have a baby, it is one of the most frighteningly euphoric feelings you will have. Images of children, no - not any children, your children walking for the first time, saying mom for the first time, the first day of school, the last day of school, a first boyfriend or girlfriend, a first kiss, heartbreaks, school dances, hugs, kisses - a life is born right then.

A life you want to be a part of. And to think it's all possible with this tiny thought, this seemingly small decision to have a baby. It sounds amazing, doesn't it?

Until it's not. Until that pregnancy test says negative time after time. Until friend after friend seem to becoming pregnant at the drop of a pin. Until you can't stand to even look at a thermometer and a temperature chart anymore without getting angry. Until you get jealous at every pregnant person you see walking down the street.

And then the worry sets in. Is there something wrong with me? Will I ever be able to have a kid? Will I disappoint my spouse? My family? My friends? Myself? What if it's not me? Will I be okay with that?

And then the anger. What the hell have I done that's so wrong that I can't be a parent?! What the hell do you mean a mother of 4 just drowned her kids and I can't even have ONE?!

I can't pretend to know what it feels like to go beyond 5 months of actively wanting a baby. But knowing all that I felt during that short amount of time, I can only imagine what it feels like to go months longer, years longer to failed attempt after failed attempt.

And not to mention all the same things you hear throughout -
*it's God's will
*it will happen when it happens
*just keep trying
*well it happened for me on the first try/I didn't have to try at all

And that's not even tipping the scales at the crap people will throw at you to try and make you feel better. When the fact is the only  thing that will provide any relief is seeing that damn positive sign.

But even with all that said I still I want to tell you what I believe with every breath in my body and every fiber of love I have for my daughter Lillie -

You WILL have a baby. You WILL.
Whether you have a baby by 'normal' standards or if you have to look into something as awesome as adoption or fertility treatments, whatever the case is. It WILL happen.
The fact is that God just hasn't found the perfect combination of awesomeness for your beautiful baby. There's so much good out there, so much love, so much beauty - He's having a hard time figuring out how to put all that into such a tiny, beautiful body for you.
But He's working on it. I know He is. Because you deserve it.
You have so much to give, He just wants to make sure He can give you a baby that will know how to give it all back to you in the way that you need.

I was lucky enough to have wonderful people in my life who did nothing but listen to me cry/whine and silently hate all things pregnant and didn't judge me for doing so.

And because of that I hope that in whatever way you find these words - if they apply to you, to your best friend, to your sister, to your brother, to anyone you may know - that they help in some way. Because I'll be forever grateful to those people that helped me.

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