Friday, January 18, 2013

Weight Hate: Chub Rub

After I wrote my first #weighthate post, I was kind of lost on how to continue. I felt like I really put it all out there and wasn’t sure how to come back from that. I mean, according to you people I was all inspiring and shit.

That’s just not natural. I’m the girl who falls up the stairs. I’m the drunkard who buys a 6 pack of wine because it’s 10% cheaper that way. I’m the mom who hides in the pantry to eat a fun size Twix bar so she doesn’t have to share with her 2 year old. [Kids know things, so I don’t get away with it very often.] I’m a girl who curses like a gawdamn sailor and loves every minute of it. I don’t feel inspiring. But I can be truthful.

But should I start with my relationship with food. [Food gives, I take happily] Or do I talk about gaining a shit-ton of weight when you’re pregnant? [It’s not as fun as it sounds.] Like I said in the first post, I have a lot to share - I’m just having a hard time figuring out how to do that in a way that won’t cause you to go - “Fuck, shut up already” or assume I’m looking for sympathy. Because I’m not. Everything I’ve gone through has allowed me to get to this point. The point of “Dudes, I gots this.” And I’m not ashamed of that.

Which leads me to tell you about something else I “gots”.

Chub. Rub.

Do you not know what this is? Well, let me enlighten you, my dear friends.

It’s when your fat rubs together and you get all rashy. Sexy, am I right?

I’ve heard people talk about it being the reason they don’t go workout and I’m here to say, that’s a load of shit. Oh, Tam, you’re so insensitive! But I’m not, because in addition to what you read above, I’m also the girl who could host a Bill Nye science experiment on friction. These thighs weren’t made for running. Or at least that’s what I thought a year ago.

Sometime after my dreadful 5k last year in January when I was walking/running on the track above the gym I decided that I needed to wear shorts. The cotton Wal-Mart capris were just hot. And filled with sweat. So, one day, I pulled out a pair of shorts to wear while I ran.

It did not go well.

I stopped after a few rounds because the ol’ thighs were acting like teenagers making out behind the bleachers – all over each other. I was embarrassed,this had never happened before. I felt discouraged. I mean, why bother working out if I can’t even wear shorts. This is Texas. We have two seasons – hot & hotter.

I’ve worn Capri's to work out in since then [although, not the cotton Wal-mart ones. I invested in a few pairs of nice ‘real workout’ ones]. And it’s not bothered me one bit. Instead of using chub rub as an excuse to not work-out, I punched it in it’s chubby face and found a way around it. Capri pants = perfect solution. [Also, there’s this thing called body glide. It’s like lube for your teenage love making thighs]

But then, not everything can be perfect forever.

Because this past Sunday came, you know, the one where I ran in the rain for 13 miles? You see, I’ve never ran in the rain. In the wind, sure. In the cold, absolutely. In the rain, fuck that. So, I wasn’t prepared for the aftermath.

The first thing I did when we got back to my aunt’s house was hop into the shower. I was so looking forward to it’s gloriousness. That is until water ran down my backside and I started jumping around like a cat with a firecracker attached to her tail. It had hit me. And it had hit me hard.

I didn’t just have chub rub. I had one helluva chapped ass.

The 3 hour ride home, not nearly as comfortable as it should have been. You know how I pulled out Desitin in my vlüg yesterday? Yeah, uh, that wasn’t just for my small child. That was for my large ass.

And you know what, it totally helped. Chapped

So, stop making excuses. Stop blaming everything else for why you’re not ‘getting out there’.

Because if I can chap my ass in the name of running, and still love it, surely you can too. 


Sara said...

I am all too familiar with chub rub. Thanks for the tips. It's nice to know that the Desitin I use for my child can also be used on my huge ass. Can I just say how much I love your little "ad" promoting Desitin for chapped asses? I about died....haha.

Genna said...

I LOVE this. I seriously need to invest in workout capris. My baggy sweatpants make my thigh/ass sweat reallllly uncomfortable. TMI? Prolly. Anyway, I'm so glad I'm not the only one dealing with this.

Katie said...

Girl, I still think you're the shit. Instead of this issue I have terrible itchy leg syndrome. I think it's from not drinking enough water, but about 10 minutes into a run/tough workout and my legs start itching like I'm covered in poison ivy. Then I look a fool trying to scratch myself. THE THINGS WE DO FOR HEALTH AND FITNESS.

Also, to Genna if she for some reason comes back to read this, I totally have ass sweat too and JUST EMBRACE IT. I know no other solution. LOL. TMI city up in the motha today.

Smart Ass Sara said...

Oh god, I have chub run like no other. I don't know why women are willingly getting shit injected into their asses- it's horrible. It's horrible to have a Kardashian ass by birth. Equally horrible is to run with said ass and it still moves when you're done.

meg m said...

oh my god you kill me! unfortunately I know exactly what you are talking about. I actually had a friend comment on the sound my pants were making one day when I was walking !
fuuuuuck that. although at the time instead of doing something positive I just stopped wearing those pants...
so happy to finally be doing something about it! and shut your face, you are an inspiration!

Adrienne said...

I too have made the switch to fancy-schmancy running capris because chub rub hurts like a MO FO.

It's the gift that keeps on giving.

Have you seen Juno? You know the thing the skinny guy who fathers Juno's baby does with the deodorant? Totally have tried that- doesn't work!

Good tip on the desitin- ass chap is no joke. Except that it is kind of funny. Because I'm SOOOO mature.

Kate said...

Ok, so all of my pants are starting to fall apart, and they don't make the exact style anymore. Soooo I'm on the hunt for some new ones.

So tell me.
What pants are you currently lovin?

Lin said...

Oh my gawd, you're hilarious! The fact that you'd share this is one thing but you posting that ubber excited photo of yourself happily holding the Destitin is epic.

You're forever my hero. Chapped ass & all.

Danielle said...

Have you considered investing in a pair of Thigh Society at all? ( They're what help me exercise and wear skirts in the heat, without having to fuss with creams like Destin or Monistat that wear off. And because they're breathable, they don't get all smelly and gross after a few hours' wear.

Congrats on your journey of working out!