Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Are You Yourself?

Lehmann Laughter

It’s Week 5! [I’m seriously amazed I’m keeping up with this as well as I am!]

As a quick run down, this link-up is based on these two articles – here and here. You are free to take the topics in any direction you like – I am only providing a guideline to get the ball rolling. Hell, I may not even follow what I wrote. I’m a rebel in that way.

You can find the remaining topics by clicking here or downloading the PDF.
If you’re interested in how the previous weeks went down – Week 1, Week 2, Week 3 & Week 4.

30 Things_Page_1 (2)

I try to embrace me for me. Sometimes though, it’s a real struggle. Especially when I get a case of the Facebook Envy. You know, when someone posts something that’s simply amazing and in no way could ever be something you post. Like a trip to Europe. Or losing 30 lbs in two weeks.

Social media is wonderful in that it can connect you to people in your life you wouldn’t typically get to see. (Shout out to all my East Middle School alums!) But it’s also a crap-chute for the same reason. Sometimes I don’t need to know that Johnny is now a multi-billionaire because he won the lottery from he ticket he picked up off the ground in a neighborhood he never frequents and then subsequently lost 30 lbs by quitting soda.

It can make me feel like I’m not enough. And that feeling is total shit.

As I’ve gotten older and honestly, since becoming a parent, I find it easier to just stay true to who I am. I am flawed, I make mistakes but I accept responsibility for them, and I don’t seek out the approval of others as I did when I was a 16 year old naive girl who couldn’t understand how anyone couldn’t like me.

My motivation to be the best version of me, on my own terms, really did come from having my daughter. That may not be the case for everyone and I would never suggest having a child to fulfill your own selfish desires – but it was certainly a byproduct of having her (for me anyway). I wanted to be a better person – someone who didn’t shy away when they witness something crappy happening, someone who focused on being healthy instead of skinny, someone who brought happiness into the world and not deceit. And so I actively work on those things – internally and externally.

Internally by the way I speak to myself. I, like most people, have talked shit to myself in a way I would never dream of talking to anyone else.

You can’t wear that, your fat is trying to escape from the top & the bottom of those shorts.
That joke wasn’t even funny. You are so fucking stupid.
You can’t be serious, no one would ever want to hang out with you.

That is probably the hardest thing to work on – not doubting myself to myself.

Externally, I focus on the good because I want to be a great walking, talking example for my daughter. She’s at the age (3!) where she learns by doing & watching (but really, aren’t we always at that age?) and I want to minimize the self-hate talks as much as possible. It’s one of the things I’m most passionate about in regards to my daughter. And it’s one of the things I struggle with constantly.

I try to embrace my flaws in a way that acknowledges them but doesn’t accentuate them.


Genna said...

I love that Lilly did that for you! I guess a little person watching your every move/absorbing your every word would make you sort of question what you're doing and saying.

Genna said...

PS I would totally hang out with you and laugh at all your jokes and remind you that you're a babe even if your shirts disagree. Don't be so hard on yourself, you are so loved!