Friday, August 3, 2012

Are those tears?

I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume everyone has heard about how pregnancy hormones can make any woman emotional over anything at any given moment.  People just kind of know that if your wife snaps at you for doing the dishes because she seems to think you're telling here she's not 8 months pregnant and tired but rather just a big old fattie and lazy. [True story. Sorry husband.]

But I don't think people tell you about the after pregnancy shit that goes on. I mean, when I heard you still had to push after you give birth to get the placenta out, I pretty much gagged on my own disgust. I just didn't know. [That's a whole 'nother post for another day.] But you know what else I didn't know -

I didn't freaking know that I'd cry at every gawsh-darn thing that involves a freaking baby or toddler or child of any sort at.any.given.moment. FOR.EV.ER.

For the love of sweet baby Jesus please tell me you know this movie.
Nobody told me that part. I mean, I thought I'd just go back to being all "Hey, lady on the news, I get it - your kid almost died but was pulled from the building at the last minute. He's alive, so why the hell are you crying, you freak?" You know, that sort of thing.

Well, you don't. You just don't. After you become a mother, all of a sudden every situation that involves a child becomes your child. You can't help it. I mean, if it happened to them, it could happen to us.

And oh sweet baby Jesus you mean there's a 1 in million chance my child could die from this splinter [of this particular wood that only grows in the most remote places and it's the last tree to even be alive] in the fingernail - WE MUST REMOVE ALL FINGERNAILS IMMEDIATELY.

Obviously that's a little dramatic [blame the mom-mones] but seriously, that's just the way it is.

So, I should have known better. I should have known better when I jumped on the treadmill to bust out my 2 miles for today and the show playing on the television was...A Baby Story.

If you haven't heard of this show, it's basically TLC following a mom & dad around giving you their baby story - sometimes they show the baby shower, the nursery, and of course, the first time they hold their new born babes. Ugh. Tears-freaking-galore.

For a brief moment I almost turned the channel, and then I was like no, I don't need too. I'm good. It's not like I'm listening to it. You see, our treadmills have the TVs attached to them, so while I usually have it on I don't listen because I'm attached to my iPod. The thing I forgot though was I was on the one treadmill with closed captioning - so I could read everything.

And I was running. And Celine Dion  was playing [damn you magical goddess of vocal harmonies!]. And they cut away to the birthing mother being surprised by her mother. I could feel that lump trying to come up. It was there folks, but I was strong and I pushed it down.

It didn't last long.

Because you know what grandma said - you know what that whore said to make me cry like a baby while I was running on the treadmill - she said,

I can't think of a better way to show her love towards us than having this baby.

Are you kidding me?
And then it happened. All of a sudden it was 25 years later, I had graying hair and I was holding - are you fucking kidding me I promise on my daughter right now I'm crying while I type this-
oops, my co-worker caught me.

 I was holding my first grand baby. And you guys, it was fucking beautiful. So many moments in my head, her whole life just flashed in front of my eyes. And then I started imagining her at my finish line of the 10k, of the half, of everything that I hope she's proud of me for in the future.

Tears were pouring out of me. And I was running with T-Rex hands

and wiping snot on my towel and...

it was one of the best runs I've had in a long time.

Even if I did look like a blubbering ass mess.

So, this is just a courtesy to you future moms out there. Get ready. It will happen to you. I just pray it's not in a gym with 20 something sorority girls and frat guys staring you down like you're crazy. But then again, if it did- it's not like you'd be the first person in history that it happened too.


LJP said...

I love you so much!

The Cavallaro's said...

Hillllarious.... and I love A Baby Story... and I better start preparing now. Thanks for making me laugh!

Sara said...

Oh my goodness, I know exactly how you feel!! Now that I have a little one, every fracking thing dealing with little ones makes me want to bawl my eyes out! I wasn't this way before the pregnancy....but, it came at me full force during and afterwards, and it hasn't gone away. You're right; they don't really tell you about this stuff..... ;-)

Meg said...

"you know what grandma said - you know what that whore said"
HAHAHA you are awesome

meg m said...

just re read this... hahahahaha I am picturing it again!!
ugh this rocks man