Friday, April 20, 2012


Here's the deal - I'm not a fan of the kids.
and yes, I know, I have one -
so that statement seems a little silly,
but it's true. they make me feel awkward and crazy
and just plain stupid.
it feels like it wasn't long ago that i was a kid
so, it always seems i end up trying to bond during one of those awkward silences that their parents always do to you by leaving you alone with their kid for a few moments.
Easy, right?
Not if you're me. Because there's no doubt I'll end up saying things like
"Wow, how about that Miley Cyrus, she's turned into quite the slut hasn't she?"
<insert silence>
"Uhm, so you want to watch a VHS?"
<insert silence and a look of confusion by the letters V.mothereffing.H.howoldamI.S.>
like i said
actually, for the majority of our relationship
Alfred and I told people we weren't even interested in having kids because
1. we were in our very early 20's when we got married. (Actually, I had just turned 20 like 4 days before!) The only thing we were interested in at that point was how many beers we could shotgun consecutively.
2. We had school and other crap (like buying more beer) to get out of our system before we were ready to lock ourselves down to some tiny, crying little 7 lb person who poops on themselves.
3. I was deathly afraid of birthing a child. Yeah, when they say show a middle schooler the 'miracle of life' during health class will scare the slut out of them? It does. Trust me.
 But the thing is, people don't care about that when you get married - all you ever get is
Soooo, when are the little ones coming?
And after years of it, you don't want kids just to spite them. Ironically, that seems pretty childish in itself.
Anyway, when 2 of those 3 excuses above stopped working - we were now in our mid-20s and both out of school - and we had decent jobs, and a mortgage and we were actually responsible adults (yuck) we thought yes, we are ready. let's do it. {pun intended!}
And we did. And we have a wonderfully awesome, beautiful baby girl who is kind of rockstar in our book and we couldn't be more grateful for.
With all that said - the first year was hard (still is at times) to adjust our life and our time around her. Learning how to be not just a husband and a wife, but a mother and a father at the same time was/is so exhausting. And we've finally got a good routine going on. We shouldn't want to interrupt that, right?
Unless you watch the most recent episode of Private Practice, where Addison finally gets her damn baby she's wanted for 5 seasons and all you can think of is
"I WANT A BABY TOO!" and then you start thinking about how adorable and fun it was when your kid was just a wee little baby and wasn't that just the most magical time of your life? You forget that during those fun moments you were drenched in poo, or pee, or spit up, and silently hating your spouse because he's drinking a beer while the baby is attached to the boob. And then you realize you're being emotional because Aunt Flo is a whore and has come to visit and then you get all flush and then it hits you.
You've got the fever. And not any type of fever, but one that flairs up every time you see a toothless, smiling baby cooing at you from afar.
The dreaded baby fever.
I feel much better today. I do, so don't worry. I mean, it comes and goes. I honestly never thought I'd fall victim to it, based on my history, so it was pretty frightening when I realized what it was. And so, I just wanted to warn you all - that it can happen to anyone. At any time. Any where.
There's no cure. All you can do is look away when you see things like this -

and even that, my friends, may not help.


Adrienne said...

I hopped over here from your friend Sar, and my-oh-my, you are hilarious! Looking forward to more laughs!

megan said...

I need to let you know that the phrase "scare the slut out of them" quite possibly made life. Bahahahahahahahahahaha

The Lehmann's said...

Thanks for visiting ladies! Y'alls comments made my day!