And even if you’re not training for anything, you’re just putting yourself out there to be healthier, to get slimmer, to whatever you can share it on Training Tuesday. Let’s say you were sitting at home and instead of eating a carton of Oreos you instead ate 20 baby carrots and just imagined they were chocolate-y crèmey goodness [hypothetical situation, of course] – share it here!
Usually I go through day-by-day training but I don’t really want to do that today. I worked out last week. I know I did. I just…felt like I was going through the motions. I’ve really had a hard time lately finding motivation. I even cried at the gym last week. I couldn’t pinpoint what the issue was and it was really frustrating.
Then, I had a conversation with Sara from Maurer Power (she’s wonderful, check her out if you haven’t already!) that led us into talking about the scale. (Mostly with us saying it’s the devil. It is.)
Last year I stopped weighing myself and just focused on being healthier. I was happy and felt ready when this year for a New Year’s Resolution I put out there that I wanted to lose 30 lbs. I wrote in my Weight Hate post at the beginning of this year “…my weight does not define me…” and when I wrote that I felt that. Everything I wrote in that post is true. I was happy because I was healthy. Running was a huge part of that.
And because of that I assumed I was in a healthy place mentally & emotionally to be okay with the scale. To be friends with the scale even.
I am not.
It started out innocent enough, I wanted to see where I was starting so I’d weigh myself every 3-4 days and gauge how I was doing based on that. Then it was every 1-2 days and eventually, at minimum twice a day.
Every time I saw a gain, even by .2 lbs, I felt sad like I failed myself for some reason. At the same time the logical part of me knew this was normal, weight fluctuates daily based on the time of day, what you ate, how much water you are carrying, etc but the emotional part of me said, “FUCK THAT. YOU’RE FAT.”
It’s ridiculously exhausting to be in a constant battle against yourself. And it makes you want to give up.
I caught Lillie ‘weighing’ herself this weekend. It pissed me off. Not that she was doing something wrong, because she was just standing on a piece of metal watching the numbers move, but because it felt like I was failing her. That instead of associating me with running (she tells me to go faster which is adorable) it was like she was associating me with a number. And, like I said earlier, that shouldn’t define me for me and it damn sure shouldn’t define me for her.
Simply put I can’t be friends with the scale. I can’t have her telling me whether or not I’m going to be in a good mood today because I weigh .5 lbs less today than I did yesterday.
So, I’m getting rid of that 30 lb resolution.
Which also means, the scale is going too. Holler bitch.
If I lose weight, so be it. I’ll continue working out & trying to eat better but I just can’t have that scale toxin near me. It does not make me a person I am proud of. And ultimately, that’s what I want. Not to weigh less, not to skinny, but to be happy & to make the people around me happy.
Here’s to being happy.