Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Dear Bug

Dear "Bug",
You think you're so clever, don't you? All hiding on doorknobs and catching wind currents from incredibly forceful sneezes/coughs to unsuspecting victims. Don't you have something better to do? Like, oh I don't know, not attack my kid.
I get it, I do. This is your busy time of the year, you're just preparing for the onslaught of victims you will no doubt get all up on during the winter months. But seriously, preparing for it on a 10 month old who doesn't understand what it is to blow her nose? Or why her ears hurt? Or why she sounds like an 80 year old asthmatic chain-smoker of the last 60 years when she coughs?
That's just wrong.
And don't get me started on the sleeping situation we have going on because of your idiotic behavior. Oh, excuse me, I mean lack of a sleeping situation. Hearing my daughter cough so hard it wakes her up is not exactly my idea of a dream, and I'm sure certainly not hers.Why not pick on someone your own size? Or is that what the deal is - you have little man syndrome? Hmm?
I think you just enjoy the way I react to her symptoms. Is it because you know I have an affliction for boogers? Is that why you're making things shoot out of her nose an easy10 foot away - to see my reaction? Because, buddy, you will never see me move faster than when I see a booger come flying at me. I think I'd do better with shooting shit than that.
And who the hell invented those damn booger suckers? What we need is a product that also holds your increasingly independent kid completely still without the possibility of her head moving everywhere that your hand goes. And you know, I have a feeling, you have something to do with that not being on the shelf.
Also, when the hell did my kid get so strong? She kicks like a mule all hopped up on Mountain Dew. And has ways to get out of holds that a professional wrestler would be proud of. I don't know how, but I'm certain your 'bug' like qualities have enhanced these features on my precious baby to near super-human strength.
You make me sick. (Literally and figuratively.)
You're nothing but a bully. You should be ashamed of your behavior. If I knew your mom, you can bet your butt I'd be calling her this.very.minute.
You're lucky that my child loves the taste of her antibiotic. Because if not, then oh honey, this would be on like donkeykong.
Just watch your back. I have Lysol and I know how to use it.
(un)Sincerely (not)yours,
Lillie's Mom 

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